In 1997, I had just broken up with my girlfriend whom I had discovered had cheated on me, not once, but a number of times while she was in South Africa. My heart was broken and so was I...litterally...I was broke.

In comes Arthur, her best friend at the time, to save the day.

He was just as broke as I was, yet with the last of his twenty dollars, he paid for my bus trip back to Moncton.

Sweet eh?

Did I also mention he bought me my first vibrator?

Even sweeter eh?

Happy Birthday Arthur. The relationship with S may not have worked out, but I am so incredibly grateful things did with us.

All my love,

GG xoxo

I'm ok.
And that's a good thing.

Ok...another 6 weeks have gone by...I must admit I kind of forgot about this journal...I've been so focused on my website.

What's been happening?

Well...I continue to do my soul searching in terms of trying to understand what makes my mojo a go-go...you can use that catch phrase...in fact I insist.

I need to analyze why I'm attracted to certain people...I think this will save me from another horrible relationship...but no worries...I'll try not to overanalyze.

Anyway, I'm enjoying being single. No...really I am...I need a break from drama. I need to be healthy in ever sense of the word in order to be able to attract someone equally as healthy.

OK...9 weeks is a longtime not to update...

I've been thinking a lot about the type of women I date...5 out of 7 girlfriends seem to have serious depression problems...

At first I thought...ok...the lesbian community is a small one...what lesbian hasn't had some problems in terms of coming out to family and friends, dealing with addiction problems, etc. But only recently, I realized...it's all fine and dandy to be analyzing the community, and analyzing my exes...but what about myself?

What is it about me that finds these women so alluring and attractive in the first place? I used to say that it wasn't my fault since in no way was it ever written on their foreheads that they suffered from depression...but now I must wonder about the telltale signs that WERE perhaps there...the ones that I CHOSE not to see.

This realization has really spun my world a bit upside down...I have so many questions to ask myself...so many things to analyze...this will be an introspection that's never taken place before in my head.

Mon Dieu...I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

Between Facebook and my new website...I'm ignoring Live Journal...that's wrong...or does it mean I have a life?

My Grampy died a few weeks ago...I haven't really thought about it all that much. Maybe because we were never really close. He didn't really make much of an effort to get to know me...and vice versa.

Still, he was very much loved by a lot of people and I'm sorry for their loss and pain.

I've come to the conclusion that my relationship is a rollercoaster. B has her ups and downs as do I...It's up to me to figure out how long I want to be on the ride.

From the book of Rob Brezny...

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If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:
a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.
b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.
c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.
Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.

I celebrated my one year anniversary with the girlfriend. We went to Québec city to get out of Montreal and do something different. Things did not go very well.

But like most of our HUGE fights, something good came out of it. I'm always so very impressed with how FRANK I can be with B. For the first time EVER, I am being EXTREMELY HONEST with a girlfriend.

B goes through these really negative moments in her life and she relies on me to be her personal cheerleader. This winter was particularly rough because she isolated herself in her apartment and depended on me to be her social outlet. It has been draining, emotionally especially.

I hesitated before going out with B because I felt over a year ago that I did not have a lot to give. I had given so much in previous relationships that I was left feeling emotionally burnt out. What changed my mind? B told me I would not be responsible for her. This blew my mind.

Here I am a year later, and I have had to be responsible for her. Granted, I could have just walked away, but I do love her. However, so saying, I love myself too. I've told her that something needs to CHANGE.

I've been really tired this winter. I'm mostly responsible for this since I didn't do much to stimulate myself physically...(insert dirty joke here and get it out of your system). Because of this fatigue, I've barely had enough energy to stay positive for my outlook on life...to have to cheer B up because her outlook hasn't been positive has taken its toll.

I've told B all of this.

She was really concerned and told me she does not want me to be unhappy and if that happens I should WALK AWAY. I told her that's one option. The other is that she could work on her ATTITUDE.

Yay me!

Yay for honesty!

Oh my Goddess...after 7 years of waiting...7 years of patiently waiting...I have been accepted for a credit card!!!

Yay me!

Let's just say back in the day I was a wee bit ignorant as to how credit cards worked. I was in my early twenties...my Dad said I needed a credit card...he didn't really go into more details about making the monthly payments...like I said...a wee bit ignorant...me not my Dad...:)

Anyway, after 7 years of waiting for my credit to clear up...WHOOSH! (I have no idea what the sound of something clearing up would be...hence the wind sound effect...just go with it dammit.)

I applied with my own bank, PC FINANCIAL, and they turned me down. So I went to PC's Momma, CIBC, and WHAM BAM, thank you MAM, a credit card.

I am indeed a BIG GIRL now...and so much less ignorant.

That is my excuse for not writing anything at all in February. I mean how can one be expected to write down one's thoughts when one has only 28 days to do it as opposed to 30 or 31 days???

Sheesh.

Well if you buy that excuse, you'll buy anything. Thank goodness.

2007 has been going well so far.

I feel good.

I feel happy.

I feel loved.

I feel I'm falling in love.

I feel more and more Zen.

That's not to say I don't have bad days. I do. But I'm able to get through the bad relatively unscathed, with few less wounds and scars.

Maybe because I finally learned to duck.

You may not know this, but every single one of us has something in common. All of us, since childhood, have created an internal list of what we don't like in life.

Whether it's a list about foods, movies, scents, books, colours, traits in people, etc, we all have lists. And even if these lists vary from individual to individual, I will guarantee that the list containing what we don't like is significantly longer than the list of what do like.

I don't think it's because human beings are inherently negative. I think it's just because it's a lot easier to pinpoint what makes us unhappy, uncomfortable, disgusted, scared, etc.

Just look at one of the first words we learned to say as a toddler, no. From an early age, we are all ready beginning to add to our list of dislikes.

Which can be a good thing. It's good to know what we don't like, what we don't want in life. The problem is that we tend to dwell on these things so much sometimes, that we have trouble adding to our list of what we do like. Not because we don't know anymore what we like, but simply because we're use to expressing ourselves with terms like DON'T WANT, DON'T NEED, and of course DON'T LIKE.

We all need to think in a more positive way. A way that will reduce our don't like list and make our do like list a lot longer. You can do this by being aware of the Law of Attraction.

We've all had days where we wake up in the morning to the sound of our alarm, get out of bed, and stub our toe against the furniture. Not a great way to start off the day. But it gets worse. That same morning, we can't get our hair right, we've spilled coffee on our clothes and we don't have time to change, we've missed the bus and now we're late for work. We think to ourselves, it's going to be one of those days.

Now whether you believe this is coincidence, or fate, or karma, or God or just random occurrences…whatever you believe is ok, but believe this as well…the negative energy that you are putting out into the world will come back to you. That's the Law of Attraction.

Look at it this way: when you're in a good mood, the people around you have a tendency to be affected by this, and begin to be in a good mood as well…the same goes for when you are in a bad mood. That's the Law of Attraction.

Now where the Law of Attraction becomes annoying is that when you try to consciously apply it in a good way and it doesn't work, it's easy to regress back to our old habits of negative thinking. Especially, if you are having a bad day. The trick is that you need to not only think good thoughts, but feel them and visualize them as well.

Let's say you want to lose weight. Instead of saying, I don't want to be fat anymore. Say I am thin and healthy…or I want to be thinner and healthier. There's a commercial on tv of a woman who is eating yogourt while looking at tiny bikini she's put on the wall. She is using the Law of Attraction. She obviously wants to lose weight and in order to do so, she's not only eating well, but going one step farther…using the bikini as a motivator, as a visual.

When you want something, every fiber of your being has to want it too. You have to believe that you not only deserve it but that you can indeed have it. You have to visualize in your mind whatever your objectives are. It can be:

• Relationships
• Health
• Money
• Career

Just start off with daily affirmations, begin to believe those affirmations, then proceed to visualize those affirmations coming true.

Remember these affirmations need to be positive. Which brings me back to our lists of dislikes. Say you've been living a viscous cycle where you've dated alcoholics…and in your affirmation you say I DON'T WANT to date an alcoholic…you're projecting feelings that an alcoholic has instilled in you…negative ones…you need to say I WANT to date someone sober. And think about how that would make you feel.

Applying the Law of Attraction at first isn't easy…especially when you're having a bad day. However, when you do start to change the way you think with positive terms…I guarantee you, your list of likes will become just as long, if not longer than your list of dislikes.

Sorry for the tardiness in updating.

December was a busy month for me. I've been looking for new work while trying to make life at work better. I've been frustrated with my boss and it has been affecting my mood and my motivation. Not a good thing. Thank goodness I still enjoy my colleagues. Bless their hearts. They make me laugh.

Relationship wise...I continue to fall in love with B every day. She's an exceptional woman who though she has many faults is not only aware of them, but does try to change. I respect her and admire her more every day for this.

I just returned from NB where I spent some wonderful moments with my grandmother, aunts and cousins. They are so funny. I'm so blessed to come from a family where LAUGHTER is an essential part of every day.

My Godmother introduced me to the Law of Attraction. It's an exceptional theory that I intend to put into practice.

I'll talk more about it in my next update.

Right now...it's soup time!!!

In exactly 30 days, I will be 33.

Wow. 33.

I like that number for some reason. L'âge du Christ.

It's been a great year for me in terms of introspection. I've learned a lot about myself and acknowledge that I still have a good way to go in trying to discover what my full potential as a good human being is.

2007 has a nice ring to it. I think it will be full of possibilities, and as always, love and laughter.

Being 33 in the year 2007...sounds good to me.

Why can the gay boys grab one another's crotch in order to show interest while the gay girls have to stand before a jury of their peers just for a coffee date?  I want to topple the system.

Here's a harmless statement for you: I want to start a revolution.  That's right.  A revolution.  I want lesbians everywhere to disregard the unwritten sexual etiquette required to go cruising for chicks and do like the gay boys do: be more aggressive…you thought I was going to say grab a crotch, admit it.

I'm sorry.  Am I making you panic?  Going too fast perhaps?  Ok…I'll slow down and explain.  For any revolution to begin, you need to understand why you need one.    Allow me to sow the seeds of discontent.

Imagine walking into a lesbian bar.  There's a bevy of lesbians to your left, a flock to your right and a group in front of you.  You wonder to yourself - just what do you call a bunch of lesbians anyway?  You realize it doesn't matter because you are surrounded…by lesbians…sexy lesbians.  You think to yourself that tonight’s the night you can either find your Ms. Right or at the very least your Ms. Right Now.

You mosey over to bar and order a drink.  You wink at the barmaid because it never hurts to cover all your bases.  You grab your glass and discreetly toss aside the little pink umbrella.  You then turn around and try and to make eye contact with THE GIRL across the room whom you thought had sort of smiled at you when you passed by.  It might have been a smile or a grimace, you're not sure, but you've gulped down half your drink so you're feeling courageous and optimistic.

You stare at THE GIRL, or at least try to, because a new gang of lesbians has just shown up and is blocking your view.  You move to another part of the room where you can better see the object of your desire, or at least the object of your curiosity…after all you've only had half a drink.

You spot THE GIRL.  Now it's a waiting game.  Will she feel your intense stare and look back?  Wait! Perhaps it's too intense!  You don't want her to think you're stalking her!  You formulate a new plan, which consists of looking around at the horde of lesbians in the room while every so gently letting your gaze return to the object of your desire every once in awhile.  That's right: desire.  You just finished your drink.

You go back to the bar and order a new beverage, something not so pink and frilly this time.  You again wink at the barmaid because she really is cute, and you start making your way back to your lookout spot.  A new cluster of lesbians has overtaken it.  You try looking for a new spot, a better spot, but not one that is too close because you don't want to appear desperate to your potential new lover or girlfriend or whatever THE GIRL is.

You try casually gazing at THE GIRL again while slowly sipping your drink this time.  She doesn't notice you, but her friend does.  The friend nudges her while announcing to the whole crew of lesbians what is happening.
And as though it was an Olympic event, THE GIRL'S entire clique of lesbians turns around in a synchronized manner to stare at you intensely.  You're being sized up and judged from head to toe.  Fortunately for you a new clan of lesbians has arrived and they block you from the scrutiny.

When the mob of lesbians disperses somewhat, you try to nonchalantly glance over to see if you’ve succeeded in winning THE GIRL'S approval.  She has spotted you!  She’s smiling and waving at you!  No, wait.  It's not you she's acknowledging but a whole new throng of lesbians that has just walked in.

You finish your drink and go back to the bar for round three.  This time you're determined to make some progress.  You order a shot and gulp it down in…one shot.  You wink at the barmaid one more time but there's a platoon of lesbians clamoring for her attention and so she doesn't notice.  Forget her anyway, you suspect she's been watering down your drinks.  Plus there are rumours that she's straight.

You decide enough is enough!  You’re going to make your move!  But of course you are a lesbian so you do it lesbian style.  You scope out THE GIRL's posse of lesbians to see if there's one of them you know.  Not intimately of course, because you want to be perceived as virginal, or at least as a reasonable facsimile.
Success!  You spot the ex of an ex twice removed who you once had a crush on but she never knew so it's ok.  You wait patiently for her to break from the pack of lesbians and you pounce!

You hope to make it look like mere coincidence you bumping into her out of the blue like this, despite the fact that you know she knows you both know what’s going on.  After the superficial small talk you "accidentally" let it slip that you're wondering who THE GIRL is.  Because you've had three drinks you're allowed to be bold and think out loud.

Now comes the crucial moment of the evening.  Will the ex of the ex twice removed invite you to come and join her camp of lesbians?  Or will she leave you outside, cold and wet?

You're in!  You follow her into the sacred inner circle of lesbians and come face to face with THE GIRL.  However, the ex of the ex twice removed has gotten distracted and does not introduce you.  What are you going to do?  Introduce yourself?  That's madness!  Perhaps THE GIRL will make the first move!  Now you've just gone completely insane!

Things are getting really awkward and both you and THE GIRL are avoiding eye contact.  To make matters worse, you don't have anyone to speak with because the other lesbians are either completely ignoring you or becoming quickly immersed in a fascinating conversation about how cute the barmaid is.  They obviously don't know the truth about her drinks or her sexuality.

You're now desperate!  You're sweating in places where you shouldn't sweat.  You need to get this situation under control.  You take a deep breath and are about to run away when suddenly you're pushed into THE GIRL by a rowdy…please insert your own term for a large number of lesbians.

You look straight into THE GIRL'S eyes and apologize.  The hard part is over.  You've made contact.  Wow!  You're a player.

Now do you see why we need a revolution?

Just like the gay boys we need to be bold and brash.  For those of us who aren't players, we need a technique that will enable us to get past all the bumbling clumsy attempts at meeting a woman.

Here is what I propose for the revolution: instead of grabbing a crotch, grab a boob.  That's right.  A boob.  It's simple.  It's direct.  It saves time.  So that you don't get charged with sexual harassment, lesbians everywhere would wear a pin with an arrow pointing at the boob they want grabbed.  You grab the preferred boob, and if THE GIRL is interested, she'll grab yours.  If you're really lucky, she may even grope.

If she's not interested, then you go onto the next GIRL, unless of course she's part of the same ring of lesbians.  In which case just go hit on the barmaid, whether she's straight or not.

Vive la Révolution!

I think when i am older, I want to be able to look back on my life and say that I every interaction I ever had with the people I love, friends and family...as well as even passing strangers, was significant and meaningful.

I don't know if I will be successful in the future but if I'm not...I can only hope that I will be looked upon as someone who was kind and generous by a room full of people who loved me.

If I am being all philisophical about my future, it's because right now I am having a fight with one of my closest friends. She thinks our friendship is unhealthy. In the past, I would have said she was right.

However, I've gone to great lengths to try and change this situation. Since last October, I've undergone some major transformations. It has not been easy.

But I am proud of myself.

Regardless of whether T and I will ever be friends again, I did my best. I realize sometimes my best still isn't good enough. I realize that. But I did try.

Being in a relationship is a learning process. You learn more about yourself than you sometimes care to. You learn that you can be impatient, nasty, frustrated and angry and all for the craziest reasons.

You also learn that you can go to great lengths to be more patient, nice, tolerant and happier and all for the same craziest reasons.

I'm not always a good person, nor a good girlfriend...but I am determined to be.